The day started with sunshine, a bright blue sky, and a chill in the air. The perfect autumn day. I was excited to select a sweater, which was appropriate for the crispness of the fall season. Pumpkins and chrysanthemums lined our sidewalk, and I was looking forward to a fire pit and s’more‘s with friends that weekend. Then, my husband came home from work feeling poorly. Within hours, my strong, healthy husband was curled up shaking and in terrible pain. Three trips to the emergency room later, we began to understand his symptoms, and things started to calm down.
This drama happened in the midst of a pandemic, during a contentious election season, during the same year in which my mother died suddenly. It was hard not to lose control of my emotions. I was furious about everything and with everyone. When was my family going to get a break from the suffering? Combined with all of society‘s problems, I wasn’t sure if it was possible to stay strong, to keep calm and carry on. I alternated between experiencing fits of anger and episodes of frantically crying in sadness and fear. However, I knew that I could not continue on this path; that it was not good for my physical and mental health. I managed to compose myself long enough to take a step back and engage rational thought again. I have learned over time there are things that I can do to regain my self-control when I feel emotionally overwhelmed. These strategies are drawn from my professional training, but even professionals struggle at times to implement them amidst tremendous personal stress.
BREATHE: I know it seems simple and cliché. Many people have told me to “take a deep breath.“ I didn’t believe that this would be helpful until I actually started to do it. Deep, slow breathing when we are upset is like clicking the “restart“ option on our computer when we can’t figure out how to correct its problems. When the brain is overloaded, it needs to be reset; to clear its cache before it can think clearly.
TAKE A STEP BACK FROM YOUR THOUGHTS: When I am angry, sad, fearful, or experiencing a mixture of these emotions, it’s easy for the negative spiral to begin. I think to myself “nothing is ever easy“ or “ why do so many bad things happen to me and my family?” It’s certainly understandable that I would think these things when multiple stressful and scary events take place within a short period of time. But I have learned that rather than judging the thoughts, it’s more helpful if I observe them. After all, they are merely thoughts. They do not predict the future. They are often untrue. When we are in the midst of a crisis, they seem like they are true. So, I make these observations. I call them distorted thoughts. In reality, bad things do not always happen to my family. Everyone’s family goes through trials. Stressful times are temporary. Thus, we don’t need to respond to our negative and catastrophic thoughts. We sit with them, having the understanding that they, too, shall pass.
CHOOSE THE COMPANY WHO CAN BEST SUPPORT YOU: when I am feeling intense emotions, I need to be around people who are calm, uplifting, and “realistically“ positive. I become equally triggered by those who go down a negative road and by those who offer superficial reassurance. People who empathetically listen without judgment, offering advice, or too much commiserating are the best choice of companionship during hard times. It’s important to be heard and supported; however, people who dwell in the negative and easily go to a negative place may not be the best people to have around during a crisis.
FIND HUMOR WHEN POSSIBLE: there are some situations in life that are not funny. While we don’t want to make light of hard times, there may be certain aspects of our circumstances that need levity. We don’t have to make jokes at the expense of another’s pain to find appropriate laughter and a break from the intensity. Perhaps it’s in the form of a funny TV show, a funny quote that we remember, or laughing about good times with friends. Sometimes, humor gives our brain a much needed break from mulling over our problems. After this break, we can often think more clearly and have a fresh perspective.
STAY AWAY FROM SHAME: When we are experiencing big feelings and losing control, we often blame ourselves later. We feel guilty for having a meltdown. We may tell ourselves that we are weak because we lost control. Most people lose control of their feelings once in a while. Replaying our emotional reactions does not erase them or change anything. Shame is a very powerful emotion that can undermine our self compassion and lower our self-esteem. When you notice that you are feeling ashamed of losing control over your emotions, remember that you are human. There are times when you will reach the bandwidth of what you can handle. You can proactively plan how to recognize when you are approaching your limits and possibly prevent future meltdowns. Learn from the experience and move forward.
A lot of people are going through a hard time during this tough year, and I can definitely relate to feeling like I could lose at any minute some days. But how you respond to these feelings will affect your ability to bounce back from being overwhelmed and move forward with the things you need to do. Practicing the strategies above will equip and empower you to persevere even when you feel like your emotions are out of control.