In my October blog post, “Good Therapy Is an Art and a Science,” I explained what quality therapy looks like. The post below offers additional insights into therapy by providing tips to help you determine whether or not your therapist is a good fit.
You’ve been going to therapy for two months. You have to leave work early to get there on time. You’re paying out of pocket because you couldn’t find anyone who takes your insurance. You’re thinking about stopping therapy because you should feel better by now, right? I mean, after all, you’re paying good money for therapy. That means that it should work right away, and two months is long enough to wait.
If you’ve ever felt this way, let’s talk about therapy. There are indeed legitimate reasons to stop going or to find a new therapist. Your feelings about wanting to benefit from therapy and understand how you are benefiting are valid. Of course you need to feel like you are improving. Therapy is a commitment, so it is true that you want to make sure it’s worth your time and money. Caring and competent therapists agree, wholeheartedly, that clients should feel their time and money are valuable, and that they will get a return on their investment.
Here is the harder truth to reconcile, though: Your expectations of therapy will affect the outcome. So, before you decide to fire your therapist, here are some factors to consider:
How many times have you gone to therapy? If you have gone a handful of times, now is the perfect opportunity for you to tell your therapist you don’t feel that it’s helpful. This will allow them to work with you on goal setting and troubleshoot why you feel like you’re not benefiting. Don’t drop out of treatment until you have had this conversation.
Do you know what your goals are in therapy? If your goal is to increase your self-awareness, you need a therapist who can help you identify behavioral patterns that you’ve developed over time. If your goal is to overcome your fear of spiders, you need a therapist who can teach you specific strategies to manage that anxiety. Being specific about what you want to accomplish or overcome in therapy will help you choose your therapist. It will also help you decide whether your therapist is a good fit.
Have you done work on your therapy goals outside of your session? If not, this could be an important part of the reason that you aren’t making progress or are feeling dissatisfied with therapy. Therapy is not a one hour a week experience. It requires reflection, self analysis, and intentional action during the rest of the week. If your therapist hasn’t clearly communicated this to you, talk with them about it. Issues discussed and strategies learned during the sessions are the food for thought that you act on, and chew on, in between appointments.
Have you communicated with your therapist about your lack of progress and dissatisfaction with their work? Some therapists will be direct, and they will ask you how things are going. Other therapists will wait for you to tell them. It’s a matter of personal style and theoretical orientation. But you can always choose to tell your therapist that you don’t think you’re making progress. Most good therapists will receive this and can adjust or adapt their approach.
Do you believe that your therapist cares about your progress? If you have gone to therapy more than a handful of times, and you do not believe that your therapist is invested in helping you, it may be time to find someone new. However, if your therapist asks you how you think things are going, expresses an interest in setting goals with you, and tells you that they care about you, they probably do. An uncaring therapist is likely not the reason that you aren’t making progress.
The key in deciding whether to persist with your current therapist or find a replacement is honesty. Be honest with yourself about how much effort you are making in the process. Be honest with your therapist in sharing information, identifying goals, and giving them feedback. Don’t decide to leave therapy or your therapist without first communicating your concerns and giving the therapist, and the process of therapy, a genuine opportunity to work.