Life hasn’t been the same, for anyone, since the COVID-19 pandemic took over our lives about six weeks ago. Schools and businesses closed, and we all went home for the foreseeable future. Many daily activities and simple pleasures, such as going to the coffee shop, have been put aside for now. As if life wasn’t hard enough with all of the suddenly imposed change, you lose a loved one. Then not only are you grieving the loss of life as you knew it, but you are grieving the loss of someone’s life.
The statement that life will never be the same again takes on a special meaning for those of us who have lost a loved one during COVID-19. My mother was 80 years old, and she had chronic and long-term medical conditions that were always of great concern to my family. She had cancer, COPD, a stroke, and a heart condition, but she had survived it all with incredible strength and courage. So we did not expect her to pass away following a long infection for which she was being treated. We were certainly not expecting her to pass away during a pandemic, when we were unable to hold a proper memorial service. Extended family and close friends could not travel to pay their respects, nor could anyone easily send flowers, bring food, or do the other things people normally do to support those who are grieving. Of all the ways I thought my life would be altered by COVID-19, losing my mother and being unable to properly show respect for and celebrate her life was not what I had envisioned as one of the challenges.
How can mourners cope with the deeply felt loss during a time when others can only show limited forms of support? How can we access resources to help us grieve, when so many options are limited? I’ve asked this question both as a clinician and as someone grieving, and these are some strategies I have created.
Fully acknowledge the magnitude of your loss: For me, it would be easy to include the loss of my mother as an additional source of stress during an already stressful time. But losing a loved one, especially a parent, is devastating. It’s important to acknowledge how deep the loss is, rather than combining it with other stressful events happening concurrently.
Make time for grief: As the days and weeks seem to run together during this time when we are almost always at home, be sure to carve out time for the emotional pain. Leave time for tears, reflection of fond memories, and processing emotions such as shock, sadness, and anger. The journey of grief is different for everyone, but it’s important to take the journey.
Give self-compassion: I’ve heard many people say they feel pressured to be more productive and creative right now because they have more time. I felt this way prior to my mom passing away. I am fighting against feeling it now. Self comparison is never a good idea, but when you are grieving, it is worse. Grieving the loss of loved ones demands emotional energy. We should not place expectations on ourselves or criticize ourselves for doing less and being less motivated. There is no way to anticipate how we will feel from one day to the next, so pressuring ourselves to accomplish certain things or feel certain ways can be harmful to our emotional adjustment.
Engage in simple pleasures: Let yourself find ways to experience temporary relief from your grief. Such as stepping outside for fresh air and sunlight, eating a favorite meal, taking a hot shower or bath, reading a good book, or doing whatever brings you some moments of joy. There are no “rules“ of grief that say you have to constantly feel pain. It’s okay to take time away from grieving.
Access good support: Identify trusted sources of support and encouragement, whether it’s personal friends and family members, mental health professionals, clergy, or all of these. We cannot be together right now in the ways that would be ideal during times of mourning. But we can reach out through phone calls, video chats, and group chats. If you aren’t feeling up to talking, let those closest to you know how they can best support you. It’s very easy and very tempting right now to isolate. But social distancing doesn’t mean emotional distancing. We still need connection with others, especially at times when we’ve lost someone so important to us.
There’s no formula for grieving. Nor is there a time frame for getting over the loss. However, there are some things we can do to take good care of ourselves as we mourn. This is especially important during this time of great uncertainty.
Photo by Sam Schooler on Unsplash