Last year, the American Academy of Pediatrics declared a mental health crisis for children and adolescents in the United States. The crisis emerged during the COVID-19 pandemic due to the social isolation children experienced as a result of required quarantines, virtual school, and other necessary restrictions. Additionally, the anxiety that everyone experienced was especially hard on children and teens. Rates of depression and suicide among youth rose sharply within the last three years. Parents who have sought the help of a mental health professional have often found long waiting lists to get an appointment. Parents are also experiencing their own mental health challenges, and it can be difficult to imagine how they can support their child during uncertain times when there is no clear end to the pandemic, or its consequences, in sight. However, there are some things parents can do to support their children’s mental health that can also strengthen the parent-child relationship. While these strategies are certainly not a substitute for professional treatment, they can still be helpful.
Talk to your children, at their level, about what’s going on in the world
Children are perceptive, even at a young age. They know that what has been happening isn’t typical. They also need to know that everyone is struggling right now in some way. Talking openly about common stressors during this time will help them feel less alone. Talking about your own feelings, at least at a basic level, will normalize their feelings. This will allow them to also talk more openly and to share their concerns. Obviously, you will share more specifically with an older child or a teen than a young child. But regardless of their age, you can find a way to let them know that it’s okay to not be okay right now.
Validate their feelings, even if you don’t understand their experience
I often hear parents say that their child is blowing things out of proportion, being dramatic, or making a big deal out of nothing. Saying these things to your child or even assuming you are correct in these thoughts is never a good idea. We don’t know what another person experiences, and just because we do not also see things the way they do does not mean that their feelings are invalid. We want to communicate to them that their feelings matter, and we want to create a trusting relationship with them by listening to what they have to say. If you can’t understand why they feel as they do, express concern about their feelings of anxiety, sadness, loneliness, anger, or any other feeling they may identify. Telling someone their feelings aren’t real will shut them down and close off any hope you have of a trusting relationship where they confide in you.
Refrain from giving advice unless asked for it
This is especially true if you haven’t taken the time to listen to what they have to say. If you don’t understand their feelings, giving advice will not feel helpful to them. A lot of situations that currently provoke anxiety do not have a concrete solution. Most children and teens want to feel comforted and safe, rather than hearing specific ways they can change their circumstances. If you build trust with them, there may be a time they come to you seeking advice, and then you can talk with them about their goals and what they would like to change or accomplish.
The only exception to this guidance is if you learn they are self harming. In that case, it’s important to let them know that concrete steps must be taken to keep them safe and to help them learn healthy ways to respond to their emotional reactions. If you’re on a waitlist to see a mental health professional and your child is self harming, remove objects they could easily access to hurt themselves, make yourself available to talk to them when they feel the urges, and make sure they are not alone when the risk of self harm seems eminent. If they threaten self harm, or you see physical evidence that it has happened, take them to the emergency room. They are crying for help, and you must take them seriously.
Avoid reassuring your child that everything will be okay. Instead, investigate what they would like to be different or what they think would help ease their anxiety
It’s so tempting to tell people who are in emotional pain that everything is going to be okay, that things will get better, or that things will soon change. While this certainly can be true, people who are trapped in negative thought cycles—feeling depressed, anxious, or hopeless—may not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, ask them questions about what has led to their feelings of discouragement. If they verbalize many different fears, frustrations, or disappointments, ask them if they can identify what would help them feel better. For example, if they are feeling anxious about interacting with people now that they are back in school, are there specific ways that others can support them? They may not have any ideas at that moment, but it opens up the conversation for the future. While I do not recommend giving specific advice, you can share resources with them that you may find, such as online videos or articles, or children’s books about these issues. Depending on how old they are, you can read with them about how to reduce their anxiety. There are several children’s books that have activities kids can do to learn how to think differently about their worries. (You can check out the resource list on my website.) Take the team approach of “let’s work together“ to figure this out instead of giving trite reassurances they don’t believe or specific advice that may not be helpful.
Spend time with children that doesn’t involve specific tasks
Quality time with children is important because it builds the parent-child relationship through emotional connection. They start to see you as a real source of emotional support, rather than the person who drives them to school or put limits on their screen time. Taking them out for ice cream or a movie, or even a walk on the trails, provides an opportunity for lots of conversations about different things. If your child resists your ideas about going out together, ask them what they would like to do with you. Maybe you start out by sitting with them on the couch watching a movie of their choice, or even being in the same room together while they play. Starting the ritual of spending quality time with them when they are younger will make them less resistant to it as they approach adolescence.
The theme of these suggestions involves building emotional connection between parents and children. They are more likely to come to you if they trust that you aren’t going to brush them off, invalidate their feelings, or quickly reassure them that it will get better. Following these suggestions doesn’t mean that your child’s mental health issues will go away, but it does mean that they will trust you to be present with them during these challenging times, and they may come to you first instead of seeking support from social media, TikTok, or other precarious sources of information.
Photo by Amir Hosseini on Unsplash