We've all experienced jealousy at some point. People do not plan to be jealous. But the green monster ultimately rears its head when one of our friends has something that we want, or somebody is in a relationship that we would like to have. Sometimes we are jealous of our romantic partners if we believe they are interested in someone else.
Jealousy, like all other human emotions, is not an abnormal experience. It is an especially common experience if we are feeling insecure about what we have, not getting what we want, or worried that we will not have the life that we desire.
Although it's normal to experience some feelings of jealousy, many people experience it more often, and some people experience jealousy to a point where it becomes destructive to their relationships. Unlike many other emotions, jealousy does not usually result in positive outcomes. Unless we deal with chronic feelings of jealousy, it takes control of how we relate to others, how we think about our relationships, and how we can function.
Jealousy can become all-consuming, and it can distort our sense of reality. When you’re focused on what other people can have, you’re not working on your own goals or growth. Learning to manage feelings of intense jealousy can help you have a more fulfilling life. The purpose of this blog is to provide a roadmap for what that might look like.
The first step: recognizing that jealousy is negatively impacting your life
Perhaps you are scrolling social media, and you become consumed with jealousy when you see an ex in photographs with their new partner. Or you see pictures of your friends, enjoying themselves at an event that you were apparently not invited to attend. For some people, it's more of an overarching sense that others have a life that you do not have but that you want: their house is larger and more beautiful, they take extravagant vacations, or they have the family that you wish you had.
Whatever the reason, you noticed that when you are interacting with people who have things that you don't, you have trouble being happy for them, or your obsession with your ex’s new relationship is preventing you from moving forward and finding someone new.
Give yourself some compassion. Your jealousy is a sign that you are unhappy, and it’s is important to recognize that. It also means that you are struggling with insecurity. You have identified some areas for self-reflection, which is necessary to begin the process of change.
The second step: reflecting on your unmet needs and desires
When dealing with chronic jealousy, you must ask yourself if the things you want, that others have, would truly make you happy. You should also ask yourself what prevents you from obtaining what would make you happy. Then question whether getting what you think you want will be enough to bring you peace and contentment.
For example, say your best friend is getting married, and you’re jealous because they’ve found someone and you don’t understand why you haven’t found a romantic life partner. Do you need a romantic life partner to be truly happy? What needs does that fill that you aren’t getting in your life? What can you do to find a desirable partner? Will a romantic life partner be enough, or are there other things you need to have or achieve? Examine your values and focus on your own growth and future.
The third step: reframing your distorted jealous thoughts
As you scroll social media or interact with people with whom you are jealous, note that you only see the surface of their lives and what they choose to share. They may share the happy moments and picturesque details because they want to believe they are happy and content. It is far more satisfying to get likes and adoring comments than to evoke pity. When you are standing face to face with friends who think you have it all, it is embarrassing and anxiety-inducing to admit otherwise. Even if they are truly happy and they have everything, no one knows what the future holds.
Just because you don’t have what you want now and they do doesn’t mean that you’ll never have what they have and what you want. Your current state is not a prediction of the future. It doesn’t mean that you’re locked into the life that you have. Instead, think of the happiness and success of others as evidence that you, too, can get what you want. Reframing your thoughts this way can give you hope for your future.
originally posted to psychologytoday.com on 8/13/24
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