Five ways parents can support their child’s mental health

Last year, the American Academy of Pediatrics declared a mental health crisis for children and adolescents in the United States. The crisis emerged during the COVID-19 pandemic due to the social isolation children experienced as a result of required quarantines, virtual school, and other necessary restrictions. Additionally, the anxiety that everyone experienced was especially hard on children and teens. Rates of depression and suicide among youth rose sharply within the last three years. Parents who have sought the help of a mental health professional have often found long waiting lists to get an appointment. Parents are also experiencing their own mental health challenges, and it can be difficult to imagine how they can support their child during uncertain times when there is no clear end to the pandemic, or its consequences, in sight. However, there are some things parents can do to support their children’s mental health that can also strengthen the parent-child relationship. While these strategies are certainly not a substitute for professional treatment, they can still be helpful.

Talk to your children, at their level, about what’s going on in the world 

Children are perceptive, even at a young age. They know that what has been happening isn’t typical. They also need to know that everyone is struggling right now in some way. Talking openly about common stressors during this time will help them feel less alone. Talking about your own feelings, at least at a basic level, will normalize their feelings. This will allow them to also talk more openly and to share their concerns. Obviously, you will share more specifically with an older child or a teen than a young child. But regardless of their age, you can find a way to let them know that it’s okay to not be okay right now.

Validate their feelings, even if you don’t understand their experience

I often hear parents say that their child is blowing things out of proportion, being dramatic, or making a big deal out of nothing. Saying these things to your child or even assuming you are correct in these thoughts is never a good idea. We don’t know what another person experiences, and just because we do not also see things the way they do does not mean that their feelings are invalid. We want to communicate to them that their feelings matter, and we want to create a trusting relationship with them by listening to what they have to say. If you can’t understand why they feel as they do, express concern about their feelings of anxiety, sadness, loneliness, anger, or any other feeling they may identify. Telling someone their feelings aren’t real will shut them down and close off any hope you have of a trusting relationship where they confide in you.

Refrain from giving advice unless asked for it

This is especially true if you haven’t taken the time to listen to what they have to say. If you don’t understand their feelings, giving advice will not feel helpful to them. A lot of situations that currently provoke anxiety do not have a concrete solution. Most children and teens want to feel comforted and safe, rather than hearing specific ways they can change their circumstances. If you build trust with them, there may be a time they come to you seeking advice, and then you can talk with them about their goals and what they would like to change or accomplish. 

The only exception to this guidance is if you learn they are self harming. In that case, it’s important to let them know that concrete steps must be taken to keep them safe and to help them learn healthy ways to respond to their emotional reactions. If you’re on a waitlist to see a mental health professional and your child is self harming, remove objects they could easily access to hurt themselves, make yourself available to talk to them when they feel the urges, and make sure they are not alone when the risk of self harm seems eminent. If they threaten self harm, or you see physical evidence that it has happened, take them to the emergency room. They are crying for help, and you must take them seriously. 

Avoid reassuring your child that everything will be okay. Instead, investigate what they would like to be different or what they think would help ease their anxiety

It’s so tempting to tell people who are in emotional pain that everything is going to be okay, that things will get better, or that things will soon change. While this certainly can be true, people who are trapped in negative thought cycles—feeling depressed, anxious, or hopeless—may not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Instead, ask them questions about what has led to their feelings of discouragement. If they verbalize many different fears, frustrations, or disappointments, ask them if they can identify what would help them feel better. For example, if they are feeling anxious about interacting with people now that they are back in school, are there specific ways that others can support them? They may not have any ideas at that moment, but it opens up the conversation for the future. While I do not recommend giving specific advice, you can share resources with them that you may find, such as online videos or articles, or children’s books about these issues. Depending on how old they are, you can read with them about how to reduce their anxiety. There are several children’s books that have activities kids can do to learn how to think differently about their worries. (You can check out the resource list on my website.) Take the team approach of “let’s work together“ to figure this out instead of giving trite reassurances they don’t believe or specific advice that may not be helpful.

Spend time with children that doesn’t involve specific tasks

Quality time with children is important because it builds the parent-child relationship through emotional connection. They start to see you as a real source of emotional support, rather than the person who drives them to school or put limits on their screen time. Taking them out for ice cream or a movie, or even a walk on the trails, provides an opportunity for lots of conversations about different things. If your child resists your ideas about going out together, ask them what they would like to do with you. Maybe you start out by sitting with them on the couch watching a movie of their choice, or even being in the same room together while they play. Starting the ritual of spending quality time with them when they are younger will make them less resistant to it as they approach adolescence.

The theme of these suggestions involves building emotional connection between parents and children. They are more likely to come to you if they trust that you aren’t going to brush them off, invalidate their feelings, or quickly reassure them that it will get better. Following these suggestions doesn’t mean that your child’s mental health issues will go away, but it does mean that they will trust you to be present with them during these challenging times, and they may come to you first instead of seeking support from social media, TikTok, or other precarious sources of information. 

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Developing a plan for good mental health in 2022

You don’t have to look far to find news articles about the mental health crisis in the United States right now. And now that we’ve moved into the new year, there are a lot of articles giving advice about how to take care of our mental health in 2022. While it’s good that there’s attention being given to mental health, a lot of people get stuck when the advice doesn’t feel practical or seems hard to apply. 

But there are simple, practical ways to address our personal mental health, most of them involving prevention and early intervention. Learning how to recognize the signs that we are experiencing anxiety and depression before it becomes an emergency is key. There is hope when we feel like we have some control over how to handle the stress in our lives. We can’t control how long the consequences of the pandemic will loom, or the way that others handle their circumstances. But there is a lot that we can do to manage difficult emotions and take care of ourselves and our mental health.

Allow yourself to have negative thoughts and feelings

While we don’t want to live in a negative state of mind, it’s natural to think negatively sometimes, to feel sad, or to be angry. When it feels like the world is falling apart around us, it would be more unusual to try to convince ourselves that everything is OK. Tell yourself it’s OK to feel down, shed some tears, and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. That’s the first step toward positive change.

Do small, good things for yourself

We hear a lot about self-care these days. It can feel overwhelming to think about what that means and how to accomplish it when there is so much going on. But self-care doesn’t have to be a grand gesture that takes a lot of time or costs a lot of money. It can be something as simple as giving ourselves quiet space to clear our heads, drinking some water, or taking a short walk. Self-care also includes taking care of ourselves in relationships. So stepping away from a difficult conversation or seeking out a trusted friend for support can be a great way to be good to yourself. Taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish, it’s necessary, because if we can’t take care of ourselves it will be much harder to take care of others. 

Look for purpose in every day life

Feeling like our life has purpose and meaning can have a positive impact on our emotional well-being. Helping others can be very rewarding, but we don’t always have time to volunteer for a cause. There are lots of ways to provide support. It could be lending an ear to someone who is upset, taking groceries to an elderly neighbor, or shoveling their sidewalks when it snows. It could be making a delicious meal for your own family or friends. But helping other people reminds us that we are all in this together and we all need help right now.

Be thoughtful about what kinds of commitments you make

Don’t put too much stuff on your plate right now. Even if you’re a very active person, now is not the time to overcommit because there are a lot of things that could happen unexpectedly, like illness or closures. Be mindful of what you say yes to and chose things that you really care about. Avoid making casual commitments.    

Stay focused on the present

Find enjoyable or positive aspects of each day. You might identify something good that happened, even if it’s talking to a friend or drinking a good cup of coffee. Try to recognize and savor those moments of pleasure and positivity. When you do look ahead, focus on what’s happening right now and in the near future because those are the things you can control and plan for. In these uncertain times, it can be more encouraging to plan for shorter durations rather than guessing what things will look like a year from now. 

The most important thing is to remember that you can proactively influence your mental health. Practicing these strategies will help you exert some control over how you’re feeling and allow you to feel more hopeful and positive. 

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blog originally posted on psychologytoday.com

FIVE MYTHS OF THERAPY DISPELLED

In the last year, largely due to the ongoing pandemic, more people have sought support and treatment through psychotherapy. Most of my colleagues are booked solid, with a waitlist, and those of us who are still taking clients have limited availability. The fact that more people are seeking professional help for mental health challenges is good news. Deciding to start therapy is a big step, but I consider it equally, if not more important, that people understand therapy so they can commit to the process. There’s a lot of misinformation out there about what it means to be in therapy and what therapy involves. Allow me to dispel some of those myths and provide a more accurate description of what therapy looks like in the real world.

Myth 1: Therapists force you to talk about your past

While some types of therapy are more insight oriented, meaning that you have the opportunity to discuss your past and connect events and relationships to current problems, not all therapy takes this approach. If you are struggling emotionally and seeking help with current circumstances, it’s possible to find a therapist who can help you focus on the here and now. Cognitive-behavior therapy focuses on reframing thoughts and linking thoughts, feelings, and actions. This type of therapy is particularly useful for persons struggling with anxiety, life stress, and coping with difficult circumstances or relationships.

Myth 2: Therapy just means you’re talking to someone and they listen

It is true that therapists provide a safe space for people to talk about what they are going through. But therapy offers much more than talking. Evidence-based approaches, with scientific research behind their effectiveness, provide strategies to help clients feel empowered to improve their own mental health. Many modern approaches also include helping clients learn to get better control over their emotions, so they feel more balanced and capable of making good choices. Another important goal is to help clients break cycles of behavior that contribute to negative thoughts and feelings, and that affect the quality of their relationships.

Myth 3: Therapy is supposed to make you feel better

Although one of the goals might be to have more positive thoughts and feelings, going to therapy doesn’t always make you feel better right away. Sometimes, early on, people report feeling worse after therapy sessions. This may be because they discussed hard circumstances, loss of a relationship, or other events that produced sadness and discouragement. It’s not until clients express feelings and learn strategies for managing intense emotions that they begin to feel better. Therapy is its own journey, rather than a linear progression to better mental health.

Myth 4: Only people with serious problems should go to therapy      

People pursue therapy for any number of reasons. It’s not necessary to experience serious mental health conditions to seek therapeutic support. If you find a therapist with whom you connect well and you’re able to open up about your experiences, therapy can be beneficial to most people at some point in their lives. It’s intended to be an opportunity to self-examine your feelings and behavior, to explore patterns in relationships that you might want to change, or to grow personally as you transition to a new stage in life. In addition, going to therapy to self-explore or to address mild stressors can prevent problems from developing into greater emotional distress that disrupts every day life. 

Myth 5: Therapy is too expensive

On a more practical note, let’s talk about the cost of therapy. It isn’t true that therapy is not covered by insurance or that it’s cost prohibitive. Many insurance carriers do cover a portion of the cost. Some providers are in network with the major carriers like Blue Cross or Aetna. Providers who do not file claims will still help you with paperwork that you can file on your own if you have out of network benefits. More importantly, you must ask yourself what is the cost of not going to therapy if you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or other significant challenges that are disrupting your quality of life. Therapy can be a form of self-care like no other.   

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Feeling lonely? Find the Friendships You Want

Prior to the pandemic, loneliness was a significant problem among Americans. Following over a year of quarantine and isolation, loneliness has become its own epidemic. As we grow into adulthood, and we form our routines of going to work, coming home, and starting all over again, there isn’t much time left to socialize during the week. And if we don’t have families or partners, the time between Friday evening and Monday morning can feel like an eternity. So, being at home for months on end, only leaving for important appointments and short errands, has taken its toll on many people. I don’t want to limit our discussion of loneliness, however, to those who live alone. It’s possible to live in a house with other humans and feel very lonely. Loneliness is a state of mind, an emotion that makes us feel left out, rejected, and longing for connection. This blog is a discussion about how to combat loneliness by finding connection, whatever our lives look like in terms of physical living conditions.

The first thing to understand about loneliness is that no one is immune to it. People can look like they have it all together, perhaps they are even in a relationship, or they seem to be surrounded by friends, and still be lonely. Loneliness is broadly defined as feeling absence of emotional connection and meaningful relationships. Feeling lonely originates from being disconnected from others, not feeling heard or understood, longing for others to invite them or include them, and desire to be missed when they’re not around. This means that simply being in the presence of others will not take away feelings of loneliness. Instead we have to cultivate meaningful connections.

Many people have a hard time connecting with others. For some, it stems from social anxiety: not knowing what to say or how to sustain conversations. For others, it’s about avoiding the possibility of rejection. Still others have a hard time meeting new people. Here are some suggestions that can help no matter what your struggle to find connection may be.

1. Think about how you most enjoy and appreciate connecting with others. The key is to develop friendships with people who not only share your interests, but who have similar values about friendship. For instance, if you are an introvert who enjoys meaningful conversations, going to happy hours might not help you feel connected. But if you’re an extrovert who loves being around people with a high energy level, you may want to pursue group gatherings so that you have a lot of choices with whom to converse.

2. Although connecting with people in person has its advantages, sometimes it’s not practical. In that case, calling friends on the phone to have a conversation may feel more emotionally rewarding than simply texting or messaging through social media. All of these formats have their own advantages, so mixing up the forms of communication may help you feel more connected.

3. Don’t put pressure on yourself to find connection the way that other people do. Going to parties and group gatherings is not everyone’s forte. Often, people say they leave larger gatherings feeling lonelier than when they arrived. So, if that describes you, choose ways of connecting that improve your mood rather than those that make you feel like you’re missing out on something.

4. If you feel like you don’t know where to meet friends, you’re not alone. It’s hard to make friends as a working adult. Recognize that it isn’t just about you and that it is a larger problem with the way our culture is structured. Then, think about joining a community that matches your interests. Churches or religious communities, book clubs, exercise classes, or other types of clubs may be a good start. Conversations in these spaces originate around common interests, which can feel less intimidating. Even though we know that having common interests isn’t enough to develop a strong connection to others, it’s a good start.

5. Do things that you enjoy, even if you do them alone. Feeling good and enjoying life can put you in a good place to recognize potential friendships. If you’re feeling down and you have lower energy, it might be harder to recognize opportunities when they arise. So, do what you love, and share your interests and passions with others.

6. Consider volunteering. If there’s an interest or call that excites you, taking the opportunity to join others who share it may spark meaningful conversation and connection. Helping others can feel rewarding in its own right, and it provides a sense of purpose that can give us energy.

The key in managing loneliness is to understand that it’s a bigger problem than our individual feelings. Then, we can feel less ashamed, and we can feel more confident in finding community and companionship that we genuinely love.

This has been reposted from my Psychology Today blog: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trial-triumph/202110/feeling-lonely-find-the-friendships-you-want

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If therapy isn’t working, consider these things

For the past 12 months, Mindful Solutions LLC has gotten a steady stream of new referrals. The COVID-19 pandemic, the need to quarantine, and the incredible amount of conflict and stress in the world have created a second pandemic: the mental health pandemic. The good news is that people are seeking professional support as they struggle with social isolation, troubled relationships, anger, depression, and anxiety. However, some people will struggle with therapy when it doesn’t meet their expectations. Many people have sought out therapy for the first time, so they may be unsure of what to expect and have ideas about therapy that are different from its reality. They are desperately seeking help, but they experience disappointment when therapy doesn’t solve their problems. The purpose of this blog is to help guide those who may not know what to expect or who may have already been disappointed, so they can make the most of their time in therapy and get the results they seek.

Once you have found a therapist who you think might be a good fit, it’s still important to set realistic expectations. Even if you connect well and there’s good communication between you and your therapist, it’s important to remember that you want to set goals early in your time together. For example, if you are mostly looking for someone to talk to you in a safe space, and you aren’t seeking advice, you must tell your therapist so they don’t give unsolicited advice that you may not find useful. If you are seeking a directive approach, talk to your therapist about specifics. Some therapists are really great at giving concrete coping strategies and helping you come up with an action plan. You can be in the driver’s seat of your therapy if that’s what you want, or tell your therapist that you want them to provide guidance to you based on the information you give to them about your presenting problems.

You may have gone to therapy for several weeks and tried some of the strategies suggested. Perhaps they are not working yet, or maybe you haven’t tried them frequently. Change takes time, and if you are seeking therapy as a means of changing your behavior or patterns in relationships, remember that the most effective changes take place gradually and with practice. Don’t give up because you’ve tried mindfulness meditation twice and you didn’t like it, for example. Or that conversation you had with your friend based on your therapist’s feedback didn’t go so well. Give yourself credit for trying something different and go back to therapy and discuss those setbacks with your therapist.

Therapy can provide a time for developing concrete strategies to manage your life, but it can be so much more. One of my favorite parts of therapy is when clients reflect on their experiences and gain insight into the ways in which they prevent themselves from changing and moving forward. If you embrace introspection, therapy will help you grow emotionally. You are the greatest agent of change in your own life, and therapy is the space in which you can create change, or explore why that is difficult. The therapist can help you with your process, but you must be engaged in that process. 

Difficulty being vulnerable can be another obstacle to effective therapy. It’s understandable that it’s hard to open up right away to a new person. Even though therapy is designed as a safe space where anything can be shared, some people have a hard time being forthcoming, which makes it harder to build a relationship with the therapist. To make it easier, think ahead of time about what you would like to discuss and go to your sessions with material to cover. While a therapist can help guide the conversation, the therapy is for you, so you want to focus on things that are important in your life, and only you know the best content to bring in with you. Thinking about what you have discussed after the session is also critical because therapy is a process that involves more than just sitting in session for 45 minutes. It requires thoughtful consideration all the days between your sessions.         

Before you quit therapy, or change therapists, talk about your feelings about how therapy is going so far. Most therapists will welcome the feedback, and they will appreciate the opportunity to help you get from therapy what you seek. When this happens, therapy is much more satisfying for both the client and the therapist.

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Starting off strong: strategies for managing anxiety in a new school year

Soon students will head back to school, many of them for the first time in person since March 2020. Although students, and their parents, may be excited about the return to in-person instruction, they are also experiencing high levels of anxiety as the first day approaches. 

I’ve heard various reasons for the anxiety, which are all understandable. Some students haven’t seen most of their peers face-to-face in 18 months. That dynamic will feel awkward. Others have gotten used to virtual learning, and even though it was an adjustment at first, they made it work and now feel comfortable with it. Still others feel like getting back into the routine of being at school all day will be challenging.

Additionally, Virginia is requiring masks in K-12, so school won’t be like it was before. It could be hard to wear a mask for eight hours, except for eating lunch. And since children under 12 can’t be vaccinated, some parents are concerned about their children’s vulnerability to COVID-19, especially with the new Delta variant surging. 

With lots of good reasons to be anxious, it’s hard to envision how to manage anxiety around so much uncertainty. However, attempting to do so will assure a good start to the school year and an easier transition to the current version of normal. This blog discusses some strategies to consider, and some ways of thinking about how to approach the uncertainty with courage and confidence. 

Validate feelings of anxiety

It’s completely understandable to feel anxious because our hopes of normalcy have been thwarted. It seemed like things were improving, and now there are new threats of a more contagious mutation of the virus, combined with breakthrough infections for vaccinated persons. Vaccinated adults removed their masks earlier this year, but now we’re being told we should wear them anyway. In addition to health concerns and Covid fatigue, we are all stepping lightly back into any semblance of normalcy because we don’t know what’s coming next. Feelings of anxiety can arise around returning to a group, social awkwardness, or fear of let down once we are back in the situation we thought we wanted to resume. Remind yourself and your children that it’s not abnormal.

Teach your children about self-care

Children are never too young to start learning about how to care for their needs. It’s also a good opportunity for parents to use self-care as well. Self-care means everything from eating a good breakfast,  to getting a good nights sleep, to saying no to some thing they are offered that they don’t want to do. Perhaps in their world it looks like being honest about what they’re comfortable with and knowing when they feel overwhelmed. For example, some of their peers remove their masks on the playground and your child doesn’t want to, so they keep wearing their mask. Or their peers excitedly play together after not seeing each other for a while, but your child feels overstimulated and anxious around a larger group of students, so they decide to do something else. Teaching them to be comfortable setting boundaries can be tough, but it’s a good lesson to start learning young.

Make home a safe space

After being back at school for seven or eight hours a day, some students may come home feeling exhausted, physically and emotionally. Resist the urge to ask them a lot of questions about their day, but offer them space to talk about how things are going if that would be helpful. Let them have some downtime after the school day, so they can reset after constant stimulation. Give them permission to feel mixed emotions about going back to school. Let home be their haven to reboot and get ready for the next day.

Incorporate mindfulness into the day

Pick a mindfulness app appropriate for children and engage them in some guided meditations to help them cope with stress, reduce anxiety, and get a good nights sleep. My personal favorite app for kids and teens is Smiling Mind, but there are many options to choose from. Set aside 10 or 15 minutes each evening or before bedtime just to sit with your child and do a guided meditation. Often, people get bored or distracted when they are learning how to do mindfulness meditations. But be patient, and be patient with your child. Starting to form this habit will be good for both of you.

Monitor negative thoughts, and help your child

Negative thoughts are a normal part of the brain’s process. We are all capable of them, and we all have them. It isn’t necessary to try to push them away. But too many negative thoughts, overtime, can be destructive to a person’s resilience. Help your child practice identifying negative thoughts, acknowledging that they are only thoughts and they don’t have the ability to predict the future. We can limit the power of negative thinking by acknowledging it, then letting it go. While negative thoughts help us understand how we are feeling, we don’t want to assume they are true. In fact, we want to remember they are often the product of nothing more than being tired or having a bad day.

None of us knows how the next school year will unfold. There’s a lot of uncertainty in the world right now, but if we acknowledge what we can control, that will help us deal with the uncertainty. We can control what we are thinking and how it makes us feel. We can take good care of ourselves, and we can allow ourselves to have hope for a positive future. 

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Unpacking What We Mean When We Talk About Trauma

“ Trauma“ has become a very significant term, not only in the mental health profession but also in the broader culture. Within the past decade, numerous books, podcasts, and blogs have emerged with trauma as their focus. Celebrities have spoken out about their own traumatic experiences, and many individuals have openly told their stories of how traumatic events have changed their lives for better or worse. It is both promising and hopeful that as a culture we are striving to better understand what trauma is, how it affects our body and brain, and how we can heal from the impact and move forward.

However, as these conversations have become more common, we have started to use the word more broadly than is supported by its clinical application. In everyday speech “traumatic” has become a synonym for “bad” or “upsetting.” The purpose of this blog is to define trauma, clarify what distinguishes it from other negative events, and explain why it’s important to do so.

Webster defines trauma as “a disordered psychic or emotional state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress, or physical injury.“ Other definitions that I have recently read add that trauma occurs in situations where the person feels threatened or they cannot escape from the event. From a vocabulary standpoint, most sources agree that a traumatic event is both severe and inescapable. Recent publications from experts in the field of trauma have convincingly communicated that trauma affects both the body and the brain in an enduring way if it is not addressed through psychological treatment.

Most people have typically heard of three common types of trauma. Combat PTSD is the type of trauma experienced by those in the military who are deployed on assignment and exposed to violence in the midst of warfare. Much has been written and spoken about the impact of combat PTSD long after veterans have returned home. A second type of trauma that is often the subject of dialogue is that which occurs after a rape or sexual assault, or sexual abuse. Sexual trauma has long been a taboo subject, but it has recently come to the forefront as more victims are willing to talk about their experiences. Then, there is the trauma experienced by victims of violent crimes, such as robberies, shootings, and other incidents that may involve more than one victim. These three types of trauma are ones most people have heard about, and they are events that are clearly understood as traumatic.

However, more recently, much more attention has been given to complex trauma which does not involve a single incident but rather is the occurrence of adverse and traumatic events over an extended period of time. An example would be a household in which family members constantly fought, were physically or emotionally abusive toward each other, and engaged in toxic interactions on an ongoing basis. Complex trauma does not have to involve physical abuse; it can involve forms of emotional abuse such as constant ridicule, shaming, manipulation, or neglect within a relationship. It can include the sudden loss of a loved one in a tragic accident, or other shocking and sudden changes in one’s life. Complex trauma generally involves multiple events during which the person is forced to endure harmful or tragic circumstances.

One reason it is so important to understand the various types of trauma is so we can also understand that not everything bad that happens to us is considered trauma. While only we can evaluate the extent to which negative circumstances affect us physically and emotionally, we want to be aware that defining everything that happens to us as trauma could be harmful to our resiliency. It’s important to believe that some of our experiences are escapable. And to effectively process the things which were indeed traumatic, we must separate what we can control from what we cannot. We want to understand what profoundly affects our well-being and emotional stability and what is disappointing or negative, but does not have the same enduring physical and emotional impact. 

Finally, the manner in which we approach trauma informed therapy needs to include evidence-based treatments, as well as the perspective that people can heal from trauma, move forward, and build resilience. We want clients to feel empowered in their healing process, rather than defined by the traumatic events they endured. The goal of the trauma informed approach is to understand how trauma affects current functioning, but it’s not intended to identify the person as permanently damaged. People can derive great strength and courage from what they have overcome, and they can have healthy relationships, successful achievements, and a life full of meaning and joy.

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The Missing Boundaries of Modern Parenting

In preparing to write this blog, I had to mentally prepare myself to share what may be an unpopular viewpoint about modern parenting. Additionally, I needed to prepare myself for the blow back about the fact that I am not a parent. (I did not choose to be childless, but that’s a topic more appropriate for a different blog post.) Regardless, I earned a PhD in clinical psychology with a specialization in children and adolescents. I’ve worked with children professionally for over 20 years, and I’ve seen hundreds of positive outcomes based on my training. 

The purpose of this blog is to discuss how parents sometimes emphasize a connection with their child that resembles friendship rather than taking on a disciplinary parental role. Setting more boundaries as a parent will help you raise children who are emotionally stable, well-adjusted, and have a good character.

I have a great deal of empathy for those who are parents today. There are new challenges with every generation that haven’t needed to be addressed previously, and there are a lot of aspects of modern life to juggle. Below are some factors that both research and clinical practice consistently indicate are positively related to raising mentally strong and healthy children.

1. Trust is essential. From the moment they are born, parents should invest in earning and maintaining their child’s trust. Children must believe their caregiver has their best interest at heart, will consistently be available to them, and genuinely love them. No one can be with their child all the time: they just need to know that you are there for them when they need help, comfort, or compassion. You can demonstrate this through physical affection, emotional expressions of affection, and consistent efforts to be present, especially when they need you the most. Children form close attachments to their primary caregivers in the earlier stage of life.

2. Unconditional love must be expressed. Children need to know their parents always love them, even when their behavior must be addressed. If you tell them that you love them regularly, and show them affection, they will most likely know that you love them. When you get upset with them or need to correct them, they will not immediately react by thinking that you don’t love them anymore.

3. Be consistent. There are a few behaviors that lead to greater confusion among children than when their parents behave inconsistently toward them. Implement the same forms of discipline and consequences each time they misbehave. Communicate with them, as is age-appropriate, about what consequences will result from their behavior and why you are taking certain actions.

4. Establish and maintain good boundaries around their behavior. The preceding recommendations are all the foundation of this one. If your child trusts you, if they know that you love them unconditionally, and if you are consistent, then giving them boundaries around their behavior will not create confusion or mistrust in their relationship with you. In my practice, I meet parents that seem afraid to discipline their children, but discipline doesn’t have to be harsh to be effective. One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to teach them that the world is not only about meeting their needs. While they are certainly deserving of love and affection, there are times when you will have to say no. There are times when you need to speak to them in a serious and firm voice because their behavior is inappropriate or their emotions are uncontrolled. They need to grow up understanding which settings are appropriate for certain behaviors and which settings require more refined behaviors. This doesn’t mean they don’t get to be themselves or that they serve to please other people all of the time. But none of us, as adults, will be accepted if we insist on our own way, are constantly demanding, or do not consider the perspectives of other people.

The style of parenting discussed in the above suggestions is known as authoritative parenting.The term “authoritative” may mislead parents to think the focus is on being a harsh disciplinarian. Rather, authoritative parenting combines a loving and affectionate attachment style with boundary setting. Boundaries teach your children that their behavior determines their outcomes. For example, they can earn privileges, such as using the iPad, or experience the consequence of not earning iPad use for that day. If they have a bad day, they get a new start the next day. Teaching your children how their behavior interacts with the world around them will teach them to be aware of themselves and of others.

Even more importantly, it teaches them to tolerate negative emotions and builds resilience. If you can’t stand to see your child upset and you do everything in your power to calm them down, you aren’t involving them in the process. You are sending an albeit unintentional message that they don’t have control and that you have to constantly help them make things right. While it may be difficult to hear them cry or complain, it’s a fair trade off to know that sometime in the future, they will be able to tolerate their own tears and know that eventually they will be OK. They can have their emotions, but their behavior matters not only for their own consequences but for those around them. This is a great gift you can give them.

Here are a couple of resources to give parents guidance on providing loving discipline and boundaries:

No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel
Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster Cline

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How to know if you are ready for therapy

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and there will be dozens of blog posts, articles, and social media promotions encouraging people to seek help if they are feeling anxious, depressed, or in any other sort of emotional distress. Much of the publicity around mental health awareness will strongly encourage people to seek support, and it will attempt to give therapy a good impression. The press will also aim to reduce the stigma surrounding therapy and normalize the experience, so that people will be more willing to seek the level of care they need. While these are noble intentions, I think it’s even more important to talk about whether you’re ready to start therapy, and how to move forward if you are.

Many people start therapy because they think they should or someone has told them it’s a good idea. But if you aren’t honest about where you are in terms of your willingness and motivation to change, therapy may not be as useful. Thinking through the stages of change — a behavioral psychology model for how we implement and maintain changes in our lives — can help you assess whether or not you’re ready to take this step. 

Not everyone is ready to start therapy, even when they are feeling depressed, anxious, or unhappy with their lives. If we are not yet ready to make changes, we are in the precontemplative stage of change. To move from here, a person has to decide for themselves that they want to go to therapy and why. If this describes where you are now, at the end of the blog I offer some questions you can think through to help you move forward. 

Once we start asking questions, asking others for their perspective, and reflecting on our current situation and whether we want to change it, we enter the contemplative stage of change. It may not be time to find a therapist or schedule an appointment, but it’s an appropriate time to start thinking about your goals. If you want to feel better, think about what that looks like. Perhaps you have childhood trauma that you want to process, so it may be helpful to think about specific events around which you seek healing. The more specific you can get with your goals, the less stressful and confusing it will be to find a therapist suited to help you accomplish them. 

The preparation stage involves doing some research on therapists in your area: who takes insurance, whose rate is within your price range, and most importantly, who is trained professionally to help you reach your goals. For instance, if you want to change your negative thoughts and feelings, cognitive behavior therapy might be a good fit. If you’re seeking healing from trauma, you want to find a clinician who has specialized training in trauma informed approaches to therapy. Doing research beforehand may save you time later because you’re more likely to find a good fit on your first try. 

The action stage of therapy involves making an appointment, having an initial consultation, and describing your goals to the therapist. Be prepared to schedule a few intakes with therapists to find a good fit in terms of training, personality, and comfort level. As you move into this stage, it’s important to have reasonable expectations for what you can accomplish in therapy and how much time changes will take. It may take more than one session to feel comfortable with a new therapist. And it can be hard to tell whether those feelings are about your relationship with the therapist or your own discomfort with starting therapy. It’s also important to keep in mind that initial sessions will be focused on gathering background information, rather than starting an intervention.  This is yet another reason to make sure that you are ready to begin making changes, and that you find someone who is a good fit for what you want to accomplish.

I was asked recently how to move from the precontemplative stage and begin to prepare to start therapy. Consider the following questions to help you decide whether you’re ready to move forward: 

1. Is therapy scary to you? Are you scared of making changes? If you’re feeling bad, what are you worried will happen if you take action to feel better?

   Sometimes, people worry that they will lose a part of themselves if they go to therapy. Psychotherapy is not intended to erase who you are; it’s intended to make you the best version of yourself.

2. Do you dislike talking about yourself? 

   Some people tell me they feel selfish for spending the better part of an hour each week talking about themselves and their lives. This is especially true for persons who are struggling with low self-esteem. If you think that you will feel selfish or dislike talking about yourself, you may consider finding a therapist who incorporates strategies other than just talk therapy into the process.

3. Are you afraid you can’t change, or that others will judge you for not changing quickly enough?

   This is a common question, and it can feel intimidating to think that you would start therapy and others around you would want to see tangible evidence of change quickly. You should go to therapy because you feel ready to make changes, to gain insight, or to learn about yourself and your relationships with others. If you choose to start therapy because someone else is urging you to do so, you won’t find therapy as valuable or useful. 

If you’re feeling anxious about starting therapy, you are not alone. Not everyone finds therapy exhilarating and life-changing right away. Some people never experience it that way. But you can have a positive experience that results in self-improvement, relief from acute symptoms of emotional distress, and the opportunity to grow.  

 
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Overcoming Shame Increases Resilience

There are a few emotions that, if experienced frequently, can prevent us from making positive changes. Even if our intentions are good, these emotions can hold us back. While I want to stay away from labeling any emotions as “bad,“ I want to have an honest dialogue about how one emotion in particular can hinder our progress and keep us feeling stuck. Overtime, it affects our ability to become more resilient.

We all have experienced shame. Perhaps we were having a bad day and yelled at someone that we love. Or we were feeling stressed, so we indulged in comfort food, then immediately felt ashamed of our lack of self-control. These are human experiences, and we can’t deny what our brain feels. However, a pervasive pattern of shame can begin to wear on our sense of perseverance. Some of us have our sense of shame reinforced by the way that our family or a significant other respond to our behavior, choices, and mistakes. 

After a while, we may not even realize that our shame is holding us back. We may feel such a high level of responsibility that letting go of shame feels wrong. Many of us worry that if we stop being hard on ourselves and carrying around the burdens of things we have said and done, we will do them again. An even more painful belief is that we don’t deserve to let go of our shame. These kinds of negative messages create a perpetuating cycle that can prevent us from reaching out for support, and ultimately, we lose motivation to change or lose hope that change is even possible.

Despite the debilitating ways in which shame can affect our mental health and resilience, it is possible to break the shame cycle. Here are some suggestions on how to get started.

Remember your humanity

Many people grow up in households that focus on mistakes and the choices that lead up to them. We learn early that this is how to respond to our mistakes and failures, and it sets the pattern moving forward. Recognizing that no one is capable of perfectly sailing through life without some stumbling blocks helps us put our behavior into perspective. We can remain humble while acknowledging that we err. Our mistakes and choices become part of who we are, but they do not have to define us. 

Acknowledge mistakes, choices, and failures to those you trust

Often holding our regrets, flaws, poor choices, and mistakes inside our own mind feels miserable and in time becomes overwhelming. Talking about them with people who are safe and who encourage us, not only brings a sense of relief, but it can also help us achieve a broader perspective. Getting feedback from others who can show us love and support affirms for us that we are a whole person, not merely the product of our flaws.

Empathizing with the flaws and brokenness of others

The capacity to understand the failures of others, and the ability to sit with them through their struggles, can develop our ego strength. We can achieve personal growth by walking alongside of others through their struggles, which allows us to understand that we are all broken in different ways and that our own flaws and mistakes are not drastically different from those of others. We may feel differently, and make different choices, but we share the common struggle to do the best we can under difficult circumstances.

Identify your strengths and positive qualities

Typically, I ask new clients during the intake to identify a few of their strengths, talents, or positive qualities. The clients who are dealing with a lot of shame have difficulty coming up with even a couple. The embedded shame causes them to believe that they aren’t worthy of identifying positive qualities. I encourage you to make an effort to identify positive qualities about yourself, even if you think they aren’t worth mentioning. They could range from being a talented musician to making your bed every day. It’s OK to start small if it feels uncomfortable to acknowledge skills or talents. If you really believe that you don’t have any positive qualities, ask a friend or family member that you trust to identify some of them for you. It may feel awkward to hear someone say positive things about you, or embarrassing. Sit with those feelings, and know that they are temporary. It’s the first step in moving past the barrier that shame has created. 

Breaking the cycle of shame is a process, but once you are free from it, you will recognize that you have value, with your flaws and your strengths, and that you can live a meaningful life as a balanced person.     

Originally posted on psychologytoday.com 4/14

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